For the best?

MY interviews went well. I had two in one day and it was tiring but exactly what I needed to forget about all the other crap going on. My job is a big part of me and my identity – if I am happy at work, I find I’m happier in the other aspects of my life too.

I love my current job, of course, but I just don’t feel I can stay there and work within a few metres of the man that I now realise I am completely in love with. It’s a shame it has come to this, but I feel that leaving is the best thing to do.

My now-ex left last Wednesday. It was so odd, we agreed to the move a few days before he actually went, so we were making small talk and sorting out our stuff for a few days. He did break down a few times, and on one occasion I felt like doing the same – I hate to see him unhappy. But although I did feel sad, I didn’t feel any regret, which tells me that I have probably needed to move on for a while.

We have text each other a few times, usually in the night when it’s hard to sleep and thoughts take over – and he even text me to wish me good luck, which I thought was kind of him.

I should hear about my interviews during the next week. In the meantime, I am sick! I think the stress has got to me and I feel terrible – the first day I even had to call in sick which is something I never do. I could tell B was disappointed that I wasn’t going to make it in that day and he asked if he could bring me anything but I said no. I didn’t know if I wanted him seeing me sick, plus I am so confused about everything.

But today I have made it in, although I still feel like I’m dying. He is being very nice to me, one night last week he came over after work and cooked me food, and basically took care of me. We had a few conversations about my departure and he seems to swing from agreeing that it’s the best thing to do, to that blind panic which he says he feels when he tries to imagine life without me.

He told me he loved me again, and when he looks me in the eye and says those words, I really do believe him, and I feel that connection taking over again. It’s so surreal, I’ve never felt like that before.

He actually gets really upset, which sets me off. I can’t imagine life without him either, I’m completely lost. But I’m trying to stay strong, there has to be a better future somewhere out there for me. I have to believe in it.